The Power of Rituals In Relationships

One day, Jessica met her newly married friend Rebecca for coffee. During their usual catch-up, Rebecca confessed, “I think I regret getting married.” Concerned, Jessica asked, “Why would you say that? You two are perfect for each other.” Rebecca explained that before their wedding, she and her partner were extremely happy, spending a lot of time together and sharing everything. Then, suddenly, things changed. A few months after their wedding and moving into a new home, Rebecca found herself questioning what happened to the love they once had and why she felt unappreciated. “What do you think changed?” Jessica inquired. After reflecting on this question all day, Rebecca realized that the stress of moving, starting new jobs, and life in general had created a distance between her and her partner. They became so occupied with life that they neglected the small rituals that once brought them joy. Before living together, they would have weekly dinner dates, watch their favorite TV shows, and always share a goodbye kiss. When life becomes hectic, it's easy to overlook the little rituals that keep our relationships thriving. 

What are rituals? 

Rituals are regular and predictable behaviors or activities with agreed upon explicit or implicit “rules” and have developed over time. Rituals provide a sense of meaning, connection, continuity and order in relationships. When a ritual is established, people often look forward to them, and can become disappointed if they don't occur. 

Why are they important?

According to Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist and the author of the book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, rituals are a vital tool in relationships. Couples who create rituals of connection, physical affection, and appreciation are richer in connection, and will avoid the trap of taking each other for granted. One of the most important rituals according to Gottman is the moment of reunion - how we greet each other after a long day. When you are consistently greeting each other well, you will look forward to seeing each other after even, the toughest of days. Criticising or creating inconsistencies when you greet each other, might take away the excitement of seeing your spouse at the end of the day. Additionally, other rituals like undistracted communication is more important than spending a week together distracted and unfocused.

Rituals in relationships are activities that couples can do together to strengthen their bond, and create or maintain a sense of meaning and belonging. There are many different rituals that couples can integrate into their relationship. Below are a list of daily, weekly, and random rituals that you and your partner can try out!

Daily

• Morning coffee/tea: Start your morning by sharing your plans/goals for the day.

• Shared chores: Folding laundry together, or tidying up the kitchen. 

• Saying goodbye: Take a moment to hug and kiss your loved one goodbye before they leave for work. 

• Goodnight: Saying “I love you”, having a bedtime chat, or cuddling before you say goodnight. 

• Dinner: Eat dinner together without distractions like phones or TV. 

• Check in: Take a moment to text or call your partner to check in with them. 

• Welcome home: Taking a moment to greet, hug or kiss your partner when they return from work. 

Weekly

• Date night: Set aside time once a week for a special activity or outing

• Movie night: Spend one night during the week picking a movie and watch it together

• Game night: Bring out the board games and enjoy a fun, low pressure way to connect

• Gratitude: Once a week, go over some of the things you are grateful for with your partner.

• Workout: Try out a new exercise together, go for a hike, or join a class together. 

• Catch up with no distractions: Take a moment to separate yourselves from distractions and technology to talk about your day. 

Other Rituals

• Try something new: Once a month, you and your partner can try out something new to both of you like a cooking class, a new spa, or a couples yoga class. 

• Celebrate milestones: acknowledge promotions, birthdays, achievements and awards. 

• Praying/Meditating together: Find time to connect with each other spiritually.

• Adventure day: Explore a new city, park or place together. 

• Holiday rituals: Create little rituals around the holidays like baking, or decorating together. 

• Unplugged night: Spend an entire night away from technology. 

• Yearly trip: Take a trip away from home, even if it's one city away, for one night. 

Rituals should work for your relationship. If you create and maintain rituals that specifically work for your relationship, continue them. There is no right or wrong way to establish a ritual in a relationship, all that matters is that you are setting aside time to spend with each other, connecting, and strengthening the bond you have.

If you and your partner require assistance, feel free to reach out to us to schedule your complimentary 20-minute consultation. We are available to address any inquiries you might have regarding our couples therapy services. 416 949 9878 or info@georgetowncouplestherapy.com